A Personal “Journal” Entry… A Stamp on My Passport 8/4/17

I’ve never really shared anything personal on here before, but I’ve woken up today with a deep yearning to speak my story and zero idea with how to do it. God has spoken to my heart, and what I heard was that sharing my passions is great, but sharing my real story could be a lot more important. You see, I think of life as one big passport. And our major ups and downs are stamps that God puts on our pages. And they don’t go away; they just accumulate to a book of adventures and stories and memories. And documenting them can sometimes give us something enriching to look back on after those times have passed; been lived and enjoyed and processed. So here I am. Writing this personal “journal entry” in this world that I usually only share the “good”, “the beautiful”, and the “exciting”. But there are more stamps on my passport. And I feel like this one needs to be documented. For me, and me only. And if this story touches just one other person or gives one other person that ability to see things from a different perspective or help them feel more inclined to share their own story, than that is all the more reason God has put this stamp on my pages… So here goes nothin.

Yesterday was a rough day. As I’m typing this, I really can’t believe I’m putting this out there. But I’ve expressed before that sometimes the best way for me to process things is to be completely transparent. With a large network here (and I’m extremely grateful for that) sometimes I have a hard time talking to people one-on-one about things, as it can be hard to rehash things that are hard over and over. But sometimes if I feel like if everyone already knows the personal parts of my life, it makes it easier for me to deal  with pain openly and not feel like I have to process it alone. I’ve done a lot of psychological evaluation on myself, and I think I’ve come to understand why I am this way. And I accept it and just try to do whatever feels right in the moment when it comes to this platform, despite the opinion I’m certain I’ll get from others. This is, after all, MY page to share my story and my thoughts. So, here I am…

Anyway, I’ve had a long several months on a journey of discovering my own personal health, all the while trying to decide if it was God’s will for us to have one more baby. We’d been “officially” out of the game for almost 5 years. (You can speculate what that means.) For more than 4 years, I had never looked back on that decision. After having one girl and one boy, I’d always felt “done”. God had given us everything we possibly needed to complete this family, and “complete” I have always felt. Until about year 4 years later when I started to realize that my littlest was off to full-time school soon. I started to process this thought, and with each passing day, I started second-guessing that big decision we’d made at such a young age. You see, my husband and I met when I was a freshman in highschool. We’ve dated since I was a freshman in college, and we got married and had children before most of our friends. We were still pretty young when we had our children. (I had my daughter at 25, and my son at 28.) So looking back on this this decision that we were “done”,  I’m now thinking we were merely babies just starting life. So skip 4 years later, we decided to put ourselves back in and see where it led us. I’ll skip a lot of the details {for now}, but after what feels like an extremely long journey… it’s been about a week now that I’ve found out I was finally pregnant.

I’ve felt like the Earth had literally tilted its axis and put everything just perfectly in place for me. I’ve literally felt like the luckiest girl in the world. And yesterday I woke up and had to face the realization that this baby wasn’t going to make it to earth this go-round with me. I know I was SUPER early on, and I can only imagine how other women must feel after being much further along. But to me, I was already so invested. So attached. So insanely happy. So, here I am this morning. We’re packing up to go to the beach. And all those things (minus one) I still have to be perfectly happy about and grateful for. I still feel “complete” in so many other senses of the word. But this lingering pain in my heart is so hard to process and so hard to understand and I find myself constantly questioning where to go next. I’m emotionally exhausted, yet all of the questions remain and cannot be ignored or replaced with other emotions. I’m 100% aware that “whatever will be, will be” and that “it is in God’s hands” and “everything happens for a reason”. So, no offense, but please spare me the cliches. I’m probably the biggest believer of this knowledge. And that knowing is definitely helping me accept this position I’m in and will help me move forward. But today, at this moment, I just need to feel. Feel this pain and yet still reflect on the blessings that are right in front of me. Maybe that’s why we ironically had this beach weekend planned for today? When this first started happening yesterday, I was so upset. How could this happen right before our beach trip? This trip was going to be so perfect. Watching our babies play on the sand, holding my husband’s hand with one hand and the blossoming baby in my womb with the other. EVERYTHING was literally perfect in my world. But today, my reality has changed. Yet I still have these 2 beautiful babies in front of me to be so extremely thankful for. I have a husband who has been so incredibly selfless on this journey with me, taking every single step without question. Because he knows my heart and holds it so carefully in his hands. He’d literally do anything to make me happy, and this process has taught me that more than ever.

So, I’m going to pack up our suitcases and our car and head to our own little paradise 30 minutes away, process my pain, all the while thanking God for this place I’m at in life. And I won’t ignore the sadness in my heart, but I also won’t let another opportunity for a stamp on my passport to go by without being in the moment of it. This last weekend before my youngest baby goes to Kindergarten and my big girl goes to THIRD GRADE!? What?! I don’t know how I got here so fast, but it’s been so much amazing, and I don’t want these moments to go by without appreciating the time I have with the babies God HAS given me. Right here in front of me.

Before I could do it, though, I needed to put this out there. To acknowledge the truth of this moment in this time of my life. So here it is, raw and real. If you’re still with me, thanks for letting me open up about this very real experience in my life. If not, that’s OK. This “stamp” was more for my documenting than anyone else’s. And it will always be here in my pages. Part of me.*Please forgive any grammatical errors. The words were coming quickly, and not overly-checked.

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32 Comments

  1. Awww Bec, my heart aches for you with my past experiences and deep understanding of your loss. I will be praying for you. Love your beautiful sharing heart ❤️. Be blessed and take time to rest. All my love…Lisa

  2. Bec, I really wish I could give you a real big hug right now and just sit and cry together! Not to cry in despair because we have a good God, but becasue sometimes life is painful and we just need to let that out and share! So glad you did! I’ll be praying for you girl❤️

    1. You’re the kindest soul, Alma. I wish you lived close to me so we could do that. But I’ll take your virtual hugs and send them back. All my love… xoxoxo

  3. Sweet mama! I feel your heart! I lost Dominic’s twin at 3 weeks. Six years later I sit and wonder what life would be like had “baby B” been born. I also trust God’s plan but the pain of what could of been still exists so I can understand your need to feel. I love following your journey Bec and appreciate your words! Big squeeze! 😘

    1. Means more than you know, Sophia. I’m sure God’s arms wrap that sweet baby and you each day. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for following along with me and for all of your support and prayers. Means the world. xoxo

  4. Oh Bec, sitting here sobbing as I read this. Knowing all to well what this feels like. I’m crying with you. please be gentle with your healing process. I will pray for you and ask that God lay his hand on your broken heart. I love you sweet friend. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story because sometimes during life’s hardships, we find the most comfort with those who have experienced the same loss.

    1. I know you understand, Lis. I wish you didn’t. 🙁 Thanks for your love and prayers and support. Love you, girl. xoxo

  5. I have three of these stamps and receiving them was so painful to my heart. You know my story and why I’m a big believer of God’s plan, still so grateful that one of these stamps saved my husband life! I’m so sorry to hear this news, I know how much this baby meant to you and your family. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers your way (((🙏))), your words are full of honesty and love which will truly help you while you help others💗

    1. Gosh Stacey, I didn’t realize you’d experienced this 3 times, but I do remember your story of the one that saved John’s life. And it’s TOTAL 100% proof that God’s plan is SO much bigger than ours. I trust it, the hard part is just processing the pain and keeping faith it’s all unfolding exactly how it’s supposed to when you experience the pain over and over. Thanks so much for your sweet words and encouragement. xoxo Luv, Bec

  6. Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve had the same thing happen 3 times early on. We were also heading on vacation once when it happened. The good news is that we still ended up with 3 kids. Don’t get discouraged because it’s so common and happens for no rhyme or reason. It’s hard because you have to keep going to get bloodwork to see your hcg levels drop back down. Once you have 1-3 normal cycles (you can decide) then you can go for it again! God’s plan for you is already in place and everything will work out.

    1. Thanks, Cheryl. I’m so sorry for your losses. I appreciate your encouragement and optimism and I’ll keep it with me. xoxo

  7. Ah, Bec! I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how early on, your loss is real & you are wise to let yourself feel & process your sadness. Your beautiful words show me that you are doing what you need to do to move through this. It is a process & it won’t be over quickly. Be kind & gentle with yourself. Hugs to you with much love!

  8. I’m so sorry you had to go through this journey. Even though you were writing this more for yourself than anyone, please know that your openness and honesty will help others going through this too. I had three miscarriages before my son was born and while it felt like such a personal, quiet struggle, it truly helped so much to open up and share my suffering with others because so many women have been down this road. Each of our experiences are unique and our sufferings are individually painful in their own ways, but we all can draw strength, peace and hope from walking alongside each other and lifting each other up. Your post is beautifully written, thank you for sharing. Many prayers for you in the days ahead!

    1. Kara, your words are so beautiful as well. It is such a quiet struggle so many of us go through and rarely talk about. Though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, there is comfort in sharing stories with so many other women who understand this same pain. I’m glad I’ve opened up about it and I think vulnerability through these experiences can create such deeper connections. Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I’m so glad you’re here with me and I’m so so sorry for your losses. xo, Bec

  9. Bec I’m so sorry to read this. My heart breaks for you. I have been there and I can relate.

    (Ironically also on August 3rd) six years ago I went in for a routine check up with my OB and discovered my baby’s heart was no longer beating. I was pretty far along and absolutely devestated. I was admitted to the hospital and delivered my baby on August 4th. A little baby girl who I would never get to take home in my arms; only in my heart. It’s something that never leaves you. The sadness and heartbreak feels unbearable.

    Praying for you and sending hugs your way. Here is a little piece that I stumbled upon one year around this time when I posted in memory of my little Amara Estelle.

    Your new life gave new meaning to my own, it held the hope and wishes for the future. When you left this world, you became my very own special angel watching over from Heaven. There is an empty place in my heart where you should be. Precious Child, you are not alone, for a piece of me went with you.

    1. Kymberly, I can’t believe the irony of the dates and the fact that we just talked about this. I’m still so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine having to do that, and I’m sure it’s a wound that never fully heals. But I’m praying for peace in your heart and I so greatly appreciate your prayers. Thank you for those BEAUTIFUL words. I’ll keep them in my heart. xo

  10. Our stories are so similar. But I never wrote mine. My heart is aching for you as I read each word and emotion that you so eloquently…so bravely shared. I know we don’t know each other, but I will pray over you during this very difficult time. May God’s giant arms of comfort and peace hold you as you begin to heal by the ocean, sweet girl.

    1. I really didn’t intend to share it, Tiffany. But the desire came over me so strong to put this out there, and now I’m glad I did. I’ve gone back a couple times and read this and still can’t believe I put these words out here, but the response I’ve gotten and the connection I’ve felt with so many other women who understand these emotions makes me believe it was the right thing to do. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story with me as well. And for your prayers. Mine are with you as well. xo

  11. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and I know how confusing and heart wrenching it is. We lost our son at 20 weeks back in 2012. And even almost 5 years later, I still have a hard time making sense of it all. Sending you love, hugs and prayers during this difficult time. Xoxo

    1. Wow Kristin. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss! 20 weeks… I can’t even imagine how that must have felt. I am so grateful you reached out to me and shared your story too. It’s such a hard thing to process, but I’m grateful to have so many of you who have been so gracious with your stories and prayers to get through it together. All my luv. xoxo, Bec

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